So I was reading over my old xanga (I become strangely nostalgic when I study) and I realized that I was actually a pretty decent write in my early twenties. Now that I'm reaching the end of my mid-twenties, I find myself missing that introspective, creative, and at times, ignorantly shallow part of myself.
So I guess I should write about how these last three or four years have changed me. I feel like I'm growing up. I almost feel like an adult now.
I know that this is a feeling that I probably should have had 8 years ago, but such is the life of a spoiled Chinese girl that is always in school. I've only worked a full time job for 1 year of my life. Actually, I think I only made it to 11 months. I've never paid rent. I've never paid utility bills. I have never prepared my own taxes. I have never paid my phone bill, my car bill, renewed my registration, or performed a whole bevvy of normal housekeeping activities that most of my peers have.
In many ways, I am still a child. I have been taken care of and supported by my friends and family to an almost unbelievable degree. I have never suffered any true hardships. I am untested.
I consider myself very lucky. I have two parents that would do anything and everything in their power to make sure that I lead a happy and fulfilling life. I have a boyfriend that loves me, cares for me, and makes me laugh every day that I spend with him. I have good friends that I can call upon scattered all over the country. I have a career path in front of me that I cannot wait to walk down. Honestly, I've never loved my life as much as I have since I started medical school.
The only dark cloud in my sky is my own self-doubt. I think I am old enough to recognize my flaws now. I am lazy. I am a procrastinator. I have never had any real responsibility. Ultimately, I have never been tested in a way that physically matters to other people, which is why I am scared. I'm going to be a doctor in a couple of years. I'm probably going to be a wife and a mother a few years after that. The next five years are going to bring about some of the greatest challenges that I will ever face. I don't know how well I will respond to the pressure. I'm going to be in charge of people's lives. My choices will have a direct impact on their physical, mental, and emotional well being. That's a lot to contemplate and I don't know how I well I would be able to handle accidentally hurting, or even killing someone. Just because I know I'm a good person doesn't mean that I will become a good doctor, despite the reassurances of most people I talk to about this.
So I guess I shouldn't feel as adult as I do sometimes. In many ways, I'm still a kid playing doctor while playing house with my boyfriend. This past year, I've marched through the stages of grief for my childhood. I've been in denial, I've been angry, I've bargained, I've been sad and now I'm finally started to accept that I am going to be a functioning member of society in a few short years. I hope I don't let anyone down.
