Some random thoughts

So our brains are supposed to be fully matured at 25.  I've been 26 for a while now and I feel like I can safely say that I know myself as a person.  For the most part.  The years after college helped me find direction and self-identity.  I know what I want now.  I feel like for the first 25 years of my life, I've been trying to figure out what I want and now, I know.

These are the things that I want:
1. I want to be a doctor
2. I want to be a better, more productive person
3. I want to get married to Dusty.  Hopefully in the next two years (approaching 5 years together here in a few months...I mean...this is ridiculous)
4. I want to move out of Kansas

These are my main goals for the next 2 years.  I think they are well within my grasp.

Aside from know what I want, I can also finally recognize my faults and admit them without experiencing crushing self-doubt and insecurity:

1.  I have an almost paralyzing fear of disappointing authority figures (ie: Asian parents syndrome)
2.  I procrastinate and am likely lazier than most of my classmates.  I probably put in about 4-5 hours a day of school/studying to their...8?  Must fix this.  At least for step 1.
3.  I am a good organizer, but I am horrible at staying organized
4.  I likely have a mild case of ADD
5.  I really like food.  I exercise so I can eat.
6.  I have a tendency of sticking my foot in my mouth because I am insensitive at times.  I just say things.  My filter is still growing in.
7.  I have self-control problems.  (See 2-6)
8.  Hmm....all in all, I think I'm a pretty decent person.  Definitely still some room to grow, and I think actually having a real life job will help with most of them.  Hopefully.

I won't bore you with the multitude of things that I am truly excellent at :p  You probably picked up on those already.

On a side long, let's call this blog what it is and just accept that it is a med school blog where I write down my thoughts that no one except for me will read about in the future.  And probably be embarrassed by.

Found asianmoviereview.blogspot.com.  It actually got quite a bit of activity while I was away!  Should have kept it up.  I probably could have made some money off of that one.  Now I watch no Asian movies :(  Well, I did watch Mother, which I really enjoyed.  It was hard for me to watch though.  Mothers really get to me.  How can I put into words this messy, guilt-ridden, angry, hopeful, dependent mess of love I feel for that woman?  Maybe this will sum it up.  If I had to pick one person I love to live, it would be my mother.  If I had to pick one person to live with for the rest of my life, it would be Dusty.  I think that sounds right.  I'm still feeling kind of iffy about it...but close enough.

I digress.  What I am trying to say is, I wrote a good blog that made me reflect on myself as I was 7 years ago (MORE THAN A QUARTER OF MY LIFE).  I've changed in my awareness, but not necessarily my deep seated core personality (this sounds like bullshit).  You get the idea.

I'm going to go to bed.  I feel like I should study more.  I'll study more tomorrow.  11 days until next test!  Fuuuuuuuck....

It came!

My new stand mixer came in the male!  I'm so excited!

ISN'T IT GORGEOUS???

I've made a resolution:
I will make something with this mixer every week.

This week:
Cloverleaf Rolls

I've made these with my hand mixer, and it's a pain in the ass.  Perhaps I will film this and make it a youtube video!








I've been meaning to get back into posting videos, but I think the utter lack of having a Mac that can actually do thing is deterring me.

Okay, test in 30 minutes.  Must get back to cramming shit into brain.  Not that it matters...none of it will stay :(  This is what happens when you cannot sleep before busy days.  Running on empty here.

Thoughts about where I am and what I want.

Every one in a while, I like to take the time to reflect and thing about the things that I wish I could have done.  As second year moves forward, the realization that I am actually going to be a doctor really sets in.  I'll be taking the first part of my boards (YIKES), seeing real patients, and actually work in a hospital in a few short months!  Frankly, I'm terrified.  I'm excited, because I always get glowing feedback about my personality and competence when it comes to interacting with patients, but I still feel so ignorant.  I guess that's all just a part of my training.

I digress.  Because I understand that I've been locked in and I'm starting to face that fact, I find myself daydreaming about the other things in life that I'm interested in.  Lately, I've been watching Chopped non-stop and I realized that before I die, I would really like to get some formal training in cooking.  For a home chef that has really only had her own kitchen for about 3 years, I think I do pretty well in the kitchen.  My boyfriend is well fed and I can cook up most things that come with directions.  However, I am completely self-taught.  My mother never taught me to do anything and basically everything I cook results from a combination of extensive online research and the ability to follow directions well.  I just love cooking.  I love the instant gratification of making something delicious.  So much of my life is studying and you really only see the end result as a few numbers on a computer screen once a month.  It's kind of anti-climactic, to say the least.  I have recently purchased this mixer:














Suffice to say, I am BEYOND excited!  But also a few hundred dollars more broke.  Since I started really hardcore dieting/exercising, I've been cooking a lot more of my own food, and I think this will help.  To me, cooking is just such a rewarding experience that lets me make myself and those I love happy almost instantaneously.  You really can't beat that feeling.

Next, I want to get back into writing.  I've only dabbled in it a few times, but if there was some semi-structure online fiction writing course, I'd be on that in a minute.  I think I'm a decent writer.  I have a good vocabulary and I try to balance out the structure of my sentences.  I think I'm good at descriptions without being overly wordy, but I do find myself becoming redundant at times.  Perhaps I am just sick of writing research papers.  Man, I miss my literature classes.

What else do I want to do...I want to pick up piano again, for sure, and I want to do some art.  I always get a couple of projects in with Dusty every year, but I have done anything creative in 6 months and I'm started to feel a little artistically constipated.  I feel like the only art I do now is on my face with eyeshadow >.<

So I guess that summarizes all of my non-medical aspirations.  I did find a website that provides weekly writing prompts.  Maybe I could start with that...

A thought about Love

I am by nature a very giving and affectionate person, and I sometimes think that because my boyfriend didn't express his feelings with words and physical displays of affection as often as I did, then he didn't love me as much as he should.

Then I read this article: http://popchassid.com/didnt-love-wife/

And I realize that I've been cutting him short.

How does my boyfriend tell me that he loves me?

Well, just lately...

I've been talking about donuts for a couple of weeks and Saturday morning, he went out and bought us some before I woke up.

Today, he saved me one by wrapping it in foil and placing it on my laptop so I would know that he left it for me and he didn't want it to dry out or get wet.

For my birthday, he drank 3 Monster energy drinks to stay awake until 3 am after waking up 6 and working all day.  All this to watch me get drunk, drive me home, and drink with some of my friends that he never really hangs out with at a bar that he hates going to.

For my birthday, he agonized for weeks over what to get me and went to five different jewelry stores to find me a set that he thought I would love.  He asked his co-workers for restaurant suggestions and found a place that I actually really liked.

He does the dishes when I'm not home.

There are a million different things he does to say "I love you" and I guess I am a little deaf sometimes.  Four years into this relationship and he still loves me, even though he doesn't say it out loud every chance he gets.  He really tries to make me happy and make my life better.

So baby, I know you'll never read this, but I still wanted it written out: I know you love me so very much.  I love you too.

And Future-Cicy, if you ever doubt Dusty, I hope you read this and realize that he might not be doing everything you want, but he's still doing something to show you that he loves you.

Valeo Gloves = My arms are dead

So I did Fire 45 today and let me tell you, wearing those gloves wears you out!  Definitely made things more difficult than I expected.  I usually get through Fire 45 with no need for breaks, but I took quite a few this time around.  I had to take off my gloves for 6 minutes towards the end and the whole workout got so much easier.  I have a feeling that these gloves are going to be quite effective.  It even had be breathing hard :)

Still doing pretty good!
Tomorrow is my last day on this week long journey of exercising while sick hell and it's going to be a long one >.<  I may have to split it up:
HIIT 30
6 week 6 pack

*sigh* A whole hour of FUN.  On a side note, I really need to get a foam mat.  Ab exercises on hardwood = bruises over sacrum.  Stupid small Asian butt.

On a side note, Plants vs. Zombies 2 is destroying my studying.  And I hate the nervous system.  Why did you have to be so complicated?

So it's been 5 days since I started this new workout regimen and I guess it's time for an update.

I worked out 3 days in a row and it killed me.  I haven't been this sore in a while, but I think I did pretty good, considering how out of shape I was and how sick I was.

Here is a breakdown:
Day 1: 30 min elliptical
Day 2: Yoga Meltdown
Day 3: 30 min elliptical and Ab Ripper X

Out of the 8 workouts I was supposed to do, I can cross off these:
Ab Ripper X
Elliptical 1
Elliptical 2
Yoga Meltdown

Now that leaves me with 4 more to do over the next two days:
HIIT 30
Fire 45
6 week 6 pack
Own Ab workout

I was really going to do one of these today, but my fever has started up again, and I'm pretty beat.  I might do some abs so I don't have to double up over the next two days.  That leaves me with Fire 45 tomorrow then HIIT 30 and 6 week 6 pack on Tuesday.  Okay, not too bad.  I'll do my own abs today.

Also, just got these:
http://www.amazon.com/Valeo-Womens-Weighted-Power-Gloves/dp/B00651NN1G

They actually fit my tiny hands really well.  Can't wait to do it with my Fire workout tomorrow!

Just did what I could do of the first day's workout

So the first day's workout wasn't too bad...but I don't think I can do the abs.
I felt really hot, probably because I was running a mild fever, but I did some interval training on the elliptical and it wasn't too bad.  25 minutes of 1 min at 4.0 mph with 30 seconds of 6.0 mph with a 5 minute cooldown got me to 2 miles.  I don't think I can manage the Ab ripper though.  My sinuses are cleared, but now I'm exhausted :(  I just felt so bad about all the fried foods I ate today :(

Tomorrow, what shall I eat?
Breakfast: Cliff Bar
Lunch: whatever comes in the Wescoe Society lunch
Dinner: lunch I was supposed to eat today
Snack: yogurt?  fruit?

Speaking of fruit, I kind of want a plum.  Or a peach.

I should figure out shopping for tomorrow.  Aldi's just got their shipment of fresh food in.  I should get some grapes, bananas, avocados, and mangoes.  I should also pick up some eggs, egg substitute, and bread.  And more salad.  Just 2-3 bags.  I am thinking about going to a couple lectures tomorrow.  Let's see if I can get up at 9.  If not, I can go to one and then go to lunch.  That doesn't sound like a bad deal at all.  It makes my days easier when I force myself to go to class because I can't exactly pause the lecture and run off to do something else when I'm in a lecture hall.  We'll see how this works.